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crimson_musing

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EMPOWER WOMEN [Nov. 19th, 2010|09:18 pm]
crimson_musing
If I have helped you, inspired you, lifted you up, opened your mind, supported you, or given to you please consider writing a short paragraph about it, and including your name and email address. Facebook message or email (leslie dot hh dot kung at gmail dot com) works fine, and my super secret project is titled "Empower Women" . . . More details when I go live.
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So, what do you think? [Nov. 18th, 2010|06:29 pm]
crimson_musing
Department of Human Services has been notified that our family needs to be evaluated. It's gonna be OK. I think. Maybe more access to resources?

This is all because I had my first therapy session, and talked about the things Brad has done that I NEED to talk about. It was the therapist's professional obligation to report dangerous situations, etc. She said so before the session. She said so afterward.

I did not lie, minimize, exaggerate. I will not do any of these things. If we are called by the social worker, I will just tell the truth. I don't know what this means for us.

This, by all means, SHOULD have been what happened after Brad's 1st session, as he was supposed to fully disclose, in detail, his abusive acts and tendencies. I don't know WHAT he said to his therapist, but there were no alarms, no klaxons, and no DHS call. Was he minimizing? I think he tends to. Does he NOT REMEMBER? Sure. Whatever.

We will deal.
Keep moving forward.
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Today and Yesterday [Nov. 16th, 2010|11:09 pm]
crimson_musing
Brad took care of both boys.
Today AND yesterday.

I could go on, but I don't want to jinx it.
No one died. As far as I know, there were no negative episodes.
I don't have a nanny-cam though.

One thing remains in doubt--the toileting/diapering issue.
You can't let babies sit in their own waste for hours and hours. I mean, you can, but . . . ick. And I haven't seen diaper rash in so long, I wouldn't know what to do if it came back, so . . . Yeah.

But everything else?
Yes.
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Not feeling positive [Oct. 27th, 2010|04:20 pm]
crimson_musing
Complicated. Tough.
Things are weird.
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How? [Oct. 6th, 2010|05:16 pm]
crimson_musing
How did it come to this, I find myself asking?
And when things go well, I wonder if they will continue . . .

Got that haircut, short reverse angled bob.
YES! It looks good!
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It's complicated. [Sep. 29th, 2010|01:35 am]
crimson_musing
Like when my mom decided I was old enough that I couldn't sleep over at the cousins' houses anymore. They were boys, and I was a girl. I was OUT. My brothers? They could still go.

It's like that feeling.
Unfair, but . . . not quite like that.

It's different.
But it's OK.

Because we care about what other people FEEL more than what they think about the situation. It's more important to make sure you're not stepping on people's feelings, and I must admit, I'm a big clumsy clod sometimes.

Gotta keep moving forward.
Just keep going.

Life these days is so bittersweet. The freedom, and regained respect, the improvements in interpersonal relationship, the enhanced communication, the RIDICULOUS AWESOMENESS I suddenly feel about how strong and capable I am . . .

. . . All these things paired with daily, repeated heartbreak, back breaking mothering work that literally put me in the ER (dehydration, migraine, and possible prediabetic symptoms), and the endlessness of toil and loneliness.

Bittersweet is a good word.
I can't wait 'til he breaks the silence.
And commits to the steps.
It's gonna be a drama-fest, but I don't care.
IT breeds in the silence, in the shushed-voices, and the disease called perfection.

Yes, IT does.
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The Disease called Perfection [Sep. 27th, 2010|12:51 pm]
crimson_musing
http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html?ref=nf

Please read that.
VERY, VERY powerful and important.
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SECRETS [Sep. 26th, 2010|09:14 am]
crimson_musing
I'm tired of secrets.
Tired of posting things and making it private, or just for one person.
I'm ready for the steps toward a new life. 13 steps I can't take.
Not my path, but for another to walk.

December 17th is coming soon.
And I have to decide.
And judge.

Give me something to WORK WITH!
You know who you are.
I'm tired of the back and forth.
The hope is sickening if there is no substance behind it.

Tired of the stony silence, a house I'm barred from, tired of the excuses.
Tired of pulling the weight FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
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Hello! [Sep. 14th, 2010|12:16 am]
crimson_musing
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

I am feeling an energy and spunk I haven't had in a long while.
Things are going good, and if they aren't going good--I'm not CAPABLE or RESPONSIBLE for the problems! That's nice to reaffirm. Doing what I can to keep hoping, keep positive, and VERY happy it's so much easier these days! <3

Probably might chicken out, but I want a short OMG haircut.
YES! How short should I go?

This is me and Rylie on Sept.3rd:
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs615.snc4/59577_521714767940_67900717_30871212_4168871_n.jpg
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AWKWARD [Sep. 2nd, 2010|04:17 pm]
crimson_musing
Look at the title. Now look at these words. The title explains a lot about my life right now. That's the title that describes my life. Your life could be like my life, if only you titled your LJ posts the same way. Now look at your lap, now back at your screen. I'm in a chair.
-------------------------------

On another note . . . I'm worrying a lot about what people are thinking about me, about Brad, about our problems and situation. And I know I'm doing the right thing for me and for the babies. Because it feels right, although painful. Things CAN get better, I hope.

The home is shaping up. TV is mounted on the WALL and there are SHELVES! OMG! Progress! Thanks to Aradia and Kyle for the help yesterday, and thanks to Steph for the help and company earlier yesterday.

Kitchen is getting organized better. Need to do some deep cleaning. Laundry is a never ending task, really. Gotta purge maternity clothes, anything I don't want, don't fit into, etc.

P$ is being a good friend these days, although if you asked me two weeks ago, I might have had a different assessment. Ah well. Communication goes a long way.

Carly and I have gotten to talk. Love that. We should do fun things.

Rylie is almost 3 months old now, and he's a charmer. Smiles at just about anyone who talks to him. Working really hard on his sitting, can grab and place objects in his mouth, is always moving. BEAUTIFUL baby, like REALLY PRETTY BABY. And I'm his mom, it's my job to say stuff like that, but seriously . . . this kid is gorgeous.

Also, I have to start selling off my stash of slings, pool all my gold pieces, shine up my resume, and start thinking about working. People, as a person who really LOVES to be a mom, this is going to be a painful prospect. As well as possibly very hard on the children in various ways. Gotta keep the options open. Work out of the home prospects first, then perhaps more after that . . .

Talk to me.
I like interacting, remembering that I have friends.
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